I had the whole world in my hands, but i gave it away...

Its been more than a year since I have touched this.
Wow.
I was reading throught the last couple of entries and I was...I don't know, I didn't realize that I sounded so immature.
That is something you dont expect as you..what? Grow up? I mean that last entry was the beginning of my senior year. Now a semester of college has raced by.

This is insane. I don't even think that I can use this again. I don;t even remember how to...and I need to study for finals.
But it does feel great to vent a little of steam.

I am so pissed at everything that has happened! I have changed so much since coming to Massachusetts and what do i get out of it? I mean-is there NO reward?!...I...I thought that there might be, a little one. It is going so well for Kelsey in the relationship department, but me...the one person that I thought I might be in love with...as in real-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-love...I had to stop seeing. Not as in break up, because we both told eachother that we would date...but stop looking at in person and it was the hardest, still is the hardest thing that I have had to do in such a long time...it is an awful feeling when you realize that part of your heart is actually in the home of someone else. And that you know full well that they won't find it nor will you be able to recover it.

I'm just venting, I'm just venting frustration...

IM NOT SUPPOSSED TO CALL!!!!

THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS!!!



...gentlemen are hard to come by nowadays...grrrr

saturday night= amaziong bright eyes concert.
was happy, then the boy i like didnt clal me back. i was too depresswed to even have a beer...god, and i didnt even feel guilty.

i need to get happy!

fuck boys!
get me drunk.

i just spent the most wonderful weekend (sun-wed) so not really a weekend in Boston. my new favortie city i have ever been too. including rockpart and whenem. i love mass. i want to go to school there, and i will...no one can stop me!


it was my birthday on friDAY!!!!!! can i be anymore excited? i think not, unless the boy of my dreams walks up to me and sweeps me off my feet into a realllyllyy romantic kiss...but thats the only thing that could top it and i dont think that that is going to happen anytime soon...dang it!

i do miss you cara-bear

so i got to see my friend after a real long time and it made me really happy. too bad he is happily in love...but thats nice. hes great and shes wonderful (i only met her once and shes amazing)
mmm to be in love.

i love the idea of being in love, but i dont think that i could actually for real deal with it.
my mother told me i have commitment issues...and hten my best friend agreed with her. they mean that if i like a guy and he starts to like me back, i back off and stop liking him.
and whats sad is that for one of the first times in my life i agree with her.
this sucks.



im sorry...

downsides
i got sick
my parents hate eachother
i cant run my own life
i hate school (meaniong i hate to learn)

upsides
i get to see ari in dec (maybe thats a downside)
i have a new awesome job
its my birthday in 17 days (about)




i dont believe in the saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonaide"
thats bull

lemons can only be made with sugar and water.
so when life only gives you lemons it means that the world wants to see you squirm and suffer. thus those lemons should be stepped on and then chucked back at the sadistic being we call life.

oh my most embarassing moment ever? easy.

one night im at chuirch playing this game called Buck Buck. where about 5 boys form a table with their bodies and the girl/or boy team have to run and leap onto them and fit as many people as possible on top. So me being really competitive in meaningless time wasters such as this, am amped to play. cheerign the girls ona nd trying to get more to play.

see but that night i wanted to look cute so i am wearing my homemade denim skirt. (converted rom pants into a skirt) and i cute yellow top. i looked pretty freaking good, by the way.

then ig et so excited that i want to play! so i go for it and mind you im wearing a skirt so i jump and leap onto the guys back and dig my knees into him. i landed fine wihtout tearing ym skirt or exposing ymself. until i slip off casue i hadnt properly grabbed hole of him. so then i go for it again. and this time as soon as i land, i hear a rip and realize that i can actually straddle and then i hear more rippiong and realize that me skirt had completely ripped up to the wasitband. this is front of more than 30 people. and im wearing bright green stripped undies. \

so naturally im mortified. and i scream grab my butt and slide off the "Man table"

wow...it was a lot worse then me describing it...


it did suck however

i got a new job. i am quite excited about it. its at yellowstone and im excited.

mmm yes oh yes

lallalala tralalalalala

lalalallallala tralalala trallalalalala


im going to die




trall allala dooo deee dumm allallallalla

What makes you happy?

i am loyal
i am dishonest

i am honest
i am disloyal

i am happy
i am tired

i am positive
i am disillusioned

i am enchantted
i am disgrace

school starts in 6, or is it 5 now, days.

bugger

ive been in new zealand for 10 days.

this is what i did:
walked around
walked around more this time smoking
went to the national museum: aka an adventure in Bush City: complete with caves and footbridges
supermarket at midnight
more smoking this time with kiwis
more walking
arcade at midnight: air hockey and Rampage:the sickest ghetto game ever (need that in the States)
more walking this time to buy jeans
more smoking this time with coffee
got a tattoo
more walking

its been fun. but now i go home to the states tomorrow and then work, all the while school and registration are creeping up on me.

i have been in this language lab at frickin cc for TWO 1/2 HOURS!!!! oh God, save me!!!

i hate this oh so very much, i dont like working and then waiting a couple hours and then going to school at all. i dont like school, especially during the summer. and i definatly dont like going to school straight after work just to get hours in with an id card that doesnt even f-ing scan! ...it sucks so much ass im surprised i havent collapsed yet....oh wait...did that yesterday. damnit!



i need change, i hate routine and im stuck in every day of the week, over and over and over again! SHOOT ME PLEASE, get it over with.

my friends suck, my fmaily is absolutley nuts (except my dad who actually cares) my job is boring, school bites and im not even learning anything becasue my brain cant even hold on to one ounce of a foreign language, and i want to curl up and just sleep. but becasue of all my responsibities i cant even get 6 hours of sleep (oh and i have a stye in my eye-an infectious bump/pore thing that hurts like a mother giving birth...actually i dont kow about that, but it hurts every time i touch/blink/close my eye)


ahhhhhh i just want to go
just go
go

i went to warped and saw MATT..and alot of other poeple. it was cool. but i was dissapointed in it, i thought that i woul dbe different, i dont know how different but it didnt live up to the expectations i placed on it. but i did have a fun time and got to hang out with the one boy that i had wanted to for the entire day. where as all my other friends went away. i love being alone with him...gosh. it was worth it. even if no expectations were met.


i work 25 hours a week and attend school 12 hours a week. that is so much!!! im tired and want to take a nap.

but i think illb e driving to colorado for a week, which will be sick.

i desperatly need to get out of california or santa barbara for a while. its so small and boring and f-ed up here that i need a break from reality or something

it didnt faze me at all. the fact that i just finished at dp. i wont be going anymore and im sad. ill probably be nostalgic all summer and then not give a crap when school starts up again, which for me will be at SBHS...go VADA?

now im depressed thinking about it.

my older sister is going to school in new zealand and i absolutly miss and love her. she is amazing and wonderful and funny.
im so happy whenever i talk to her. meaning--> im happy right now!! soooo happy!!! and shes coming home in august!! yay.

you wouldnt appreciate her until you meet and hang out with her!!

i love her i love her i love her i love her

and i love coldplay. teehee

i hate college preperation..and im not even a senior. meaning my time hasnt or isnt supposed to come until next year..uhg. i have to take 3 SAT subject tests tomorrow morning, EARLY. its a pain.


so i discovered that i am a virus.
enough said







...

i just rembered that i had these tight pictures that i feel the need to share

thank you caroline and cara, thank you

( mushrooms )